The NorMel House

  5 years ago I held a precious baby boy in my hands, amazed at the intricacies of how we are made. Filled with sorrow that I wouldn't get to watch this little boy grow up, and wondering if my heart could possibly  ever heal from this. Five years ago I said goodbye too soon to my son. Two days ago I found myself in dejavu. Sitting in a hospital bed, holding my precious girl, amazed at her tiny hands and saying goodbye too soon. Five years ago with little Denver Hoeksema in my hands and two days ago, with Dawson Izzy Hoeksema, the worst moment in my life was repeated. 2 babies. 2 awful and world altering days. My heart was once again crushed; for the 9th time overwhelming grief was my companion. I can't even begin to explain the thoughts in my head, the physical pain, or the millions of changing emotions going through me right now. I'm hanging on to a prayer, desperately pleading for this crushing weight to be lifted because I just can't do this. I can't imagine maki...

I never saw you smile Never heard you laugh aloud But my heart still beats for you Still cries for you Would die for you You're my every thought My world has shattered apart The pieces are scattered  My thoughts are scattered  My hopes shattered. I dont see the point this time I just don't understand it at all Lord, how do You choose Who has to lose How do You choose

Dead Dead inside and yet wishing it was actually true. Because it isn't. The truth is I'm alive. I wouldn't really call it living though. I'm existing in a world made up of pain, agony, exhaustion, confusion, and simply existing through it because nothing has killed me yet. Not the times of complete numbness to the world around me, not the extreme emotions that hit like a storm and threaten to take my last breath. They never do, though I wish they would. Seems anything would be better than this. Not too many people would understand my plight, though some may understand parts. I was ok-ish. For a person with depression, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Myofascial Pain Disorder, PMDD, back issues, complete lack of immune system and so many other health problems I was ok. For a while. I accepted that God has taken all 8 of our children to be with Him. I accepted that I would always live in pain. I accepted and even got to the point where I don't even want to raise children in thi...