The NorMel House

I see your perfect little lips Your tiny fingers And ten tiny toes I'm amazed everytime I think of you I see your tiny nails and sweet little nose I wonder who you'd be Who would you look like Would you look like me? Maybe you'd have your daddy's smarts Or my creative side I want so much to know you, love My soul, it weeps inside Everytime I think of you I think of all we'll miss And I long to hold you one more time To give you one last kiss.           Melynda Hoeksema 

Oh how we hurt from the pain of grief. Grief is so much more than just an emotion. Grief hits you. Sometimes so physically hard you think you can't do it. Its so overwhelming that you can't breath, or you fall to the floor and just can't do it anymore. Its horrible, but it's ok. Not ok in the sense that you minimize the problem but ok in that you need to understand its a normal part of grief. Even though it may feel like you can't go on, you will. You'll eventually get back up and continue to do what must be done. And if you have a day where you can't do anything, don't be too hard on yourself. Just tell yourself you'll try again tomorrow. The pain doesn't ever go away, but you will adapt to it. You will make room for it and be able to carry on. The one you lost isn't hurting anymore. So allow yourself time to feel, time to get through, because with God's grace you will. The Mel in the NorMel House. Still trying to be gracious to myself i...

I never saw you smile Never heard you laugh aloud But my heart still beats for you Still cries for you Would die for you You're my every thought My world has shattered apart The pieces are scattered  My thoughts are scattered  My hopes shattered. I dont see the point this time I just don't understand it at all Lord, how do You choose Who has to lose How do You choose

Dead Dead inside and yet wishing it was actually true. Because it isn't. The truth is I'm alive. I wouldn't really call it living though. I'm existing in a world made up of pain, agony, exhaustion, confusion, and simply existing through it because nothing has killed me yet. Not the times of complete numbness to the world around me, not the extreme emotions that hit like a storm and threaten to take my last breath. They never do, though I wish they would. Seems anything would be better than this. Not too many people would understand my plight, though some may understand parts. I was ok-ish. For a person with depression, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Myofascial Pain Disorder, PMDD, back issues, complete lack of immune system and so many other health problems I was ok. For a while. I accepted that God has taken all 8 of our children to be with Him. I accepted that I would always live in pain. I accepted and even got to the point where I don't even want to raise children in thi...

My heart hurts today. I found out about a friend's loss today and cried. I find they hit me so much harder than before we lost ours. I want so much to say something to comfort but words just cant say enough, can they? I want to go hug her but all this physical distancing stuff has changed so much in society. I feel powerless... although that doesnt even feel like the right word, I cant explain it. My heart and mind are filled with prayers for her and her family, and all those who are grieving. I hope and pray you find comfort and strength in our Heavenly Father. 

I thank God for the father who raised me. He's kindhearted, generous, giving, loving and has always done his best for me. He raised me to serve and praise the Lord and I am truly grateful. I'm also grateful for the many other fathers in my life. I've been blessed with a wonderful Father-in-law who is wise and caring and has made me to feel grateful for both my families. To my dear husband, you're the best father no one seems to know. You've been a steady rock and Christian through all our children's births and deaths. Though you dont get to parent our children you show love and wisdom with all children. Our arms will be so full when we finally meet our children in heaven. I love you. Fathers come in many forms. To the many fathers in our lives, may you be blessed with wisdom and faith so you can raise your children to God's glory. To the ultimate and perfect Father be all glory. Without you, my Heavenly Father I'd have nothing. 

Strange times Strange indeed. I cant decide if my mental health is more affected by the social distancing or by the fact that my body is trying to adapt to life "post-fertility treatments ". Its been quite sometime since we lost Petey and it seems that every month my hormonal changes are worse and worse. It's quite possible  my PMDD is coming back with a vengeance.  Having said that, we've been dealing with the repercussions of Covid19 for nearly 10 weeks. At least that's how long the hubby has been working from home now. Or it's possibly all due to allergy season kicking in. Its unbelievably frustrating that I can't go outside without having to pass out before dinnertime. Sleep is not restorative, nor a choice. I'm quite useless lately and maybe that is the reason behind the "low". Its hard to figure out how to fix a specific symptom when you've got many health problems that could be the cause. Oh well, nothing can really be done at th...

I'm not alone, I know that. But some days it sure feels that way. I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel this way; like there's a millstone in the middle of my chest and at any moment I could be crushed by the weight of it. Today there is so much emotion wrapped up in my memory bank; a lot of wondering about the things that might have been. 7 years ago I sat in an emergency room just waiting for the bad news. I knew it was coming. I had told my doctor a few weeks earlier but she had passed it off as first time nerves. I had tried to be positive despite my feelings that something was wrong. I didn't want to believe it, desperately wished it WAS just first times nerves, and up until those words were spoken I held onto that thin light of hope. I don't think you ever forget moments like that. Holding on to Norm's hand like it was a lifebuoy that he could pull me in from the storm with. Because despite him being there, despite it being his child to...

7 years ago I was pregnant and took up crocheting, somedays it doesn't seem that could possibly be right, other days it feels like a lifetime ago. I guess technically it was 8 little lives ago. Strange how seeing something so simple brings back so much. My little Miya, I was so looking forward to meeting you but I guess I'll have to wait longer still. My arms will be so full in heaven.

Today I made a little white Angel Baby Sack. Because there are all kinds of mothers. Good moms (like mine), bad moms, moms of moms, moms that have their arms full and moms that have emptyarms. This little white bedding is made in case a mom has to lay their little one to rest. Today I mourned the loss of so many more than my own little babies. I thought and prayed for the mother's who said good bye to their children before they were ready.  The little blue bed was for another little boy who was laid to rest this past week. We're never ready to lose our children. We're never ready to lose our moms either. I thought and prayed for those who lost their moms today too. But I don't know what that feels like. I do know what it feels like to bear a child, hold that child in your hands and then have to lay that child in the ground. And although I can't say or do anything to take away the incredible hurt that causes I can try provide something soft and beautiful to la...

This past week another little child went to heaven. A woman held her little boy after being pregnant for nearly 20 weeks. Her and her husband held him, named him, cried over him. His siblings drew him pictures and made presents to put in his tiny little casket. This little child will be buried but never forgotten. My heart breaks with them. And I will continue to pray for them. We live in a broken world and death is a sad and horrible result of sin. There's nothing we can say or do to make that heartache any easier. But knowing that we'll see them again is comforting knowledge. God has our little ones safely in His Hands. He will keep them safe and we will see them again

It's been twenty days. Fourteen days of unknown. Six days of knowing. Six days knowing you're gone. Six days knowing I've lost one more. Six days knowing I will never hold you in this life. Six days of confusion, sadness, guilt, exhaustion and weeping. Forty-four days ago you were conceived. Life was given and formed in a lab. Not the natural way but you couldn't be loved more. Twenty days ago I got to carry you home in my womb. Never have I been so in love with a child only eight cells formed. A very different experience for us. Fourteen days of earnest prayers, talking to you and telling you I love you. My dear little Petie, I know I'll see you again some day but it hurts so bad knowing you couldn't stay. It feels like a knife to the heart when I think of all the things we'll never do or get to see. My breath is ripped from my lungs as if I've been punched in the gut; how can I go on? Eight children. I have eight children! Yet I don't get to hol...

A deep breath in So hard, so heavy Weight on my chest Rips through my lungs Burning, pressing Searing, tearing, life giving air Falling, dripping Pooling and wet Tears of sadness Constant, strong Carrying and holding Hands of my God Comforting, promising Gracious and good Love of The Father Melynda Hoeksema

Monday October 15, 2018 I weep Tears stream down my face The pain in my chest is so sharp  I can't breathe  Each breath is like a razor ripping through my lungs My legs are weak  They threaten to betray me I reach out for something Anything to slow the fall But there's nothing I crumple to the ground like a ragdoll thrown into a toy box My shoulders shaking in silent uncontrollable grief. I can't speak I don't even try It doesn't make sense Why choose this moment Like a shot in the night  I didn't see it coming But eventually the heaving slows The tears cease to flow And I try to wipe them all away Slowly I stretch my aching legs and force myself to stand Nothing has changed No magic spell or cure has brought them back.  The world continues oblivious to my grief It changes nothing I breathe in  And out And once again  I take a step    Melynda Hoeksema

I thought I'd share a little about my journey for those of you who have just come across my little blog... My wonderful hubby and I have been married for nearly 8 years now. We both come from families with 6 kids and are 4th oldest. I think we both assumed we'd end up with about as many children ourselves, despite getting married at 26( he was 25 - yup I snagged me a younger man😉) In 2013 we started intentionally trying for children and we're beyond the moon to find out we were expecting right away! I didn't feel things were right but my doctor said that was because I'd never been pregnant before and when I was 13 weeks I had a little bit of spotting. I was convinced she was wrong so I went to the hospital anyways. We had lost baby Miya weeks earlier (coincidentally at the time I told my doctor things didn't feel right). This began our long journey with loss and fertility clinics. We lost another child later that year, and two the following year, and ano...

The sun is shining, and despite the heat waves and warnings we've had lately it seems the Fall breeze is here. I love the Fall in Ontario. The leaves on the trees change into a myriad of oranges, yellows and reds. The air becomes crisp and fresh and the humidity that characterizes our summers is finally gone. I have to laugh because despite the heat we've had, our sister province to the west had snow...in September. I wouldn't want to skip the Fall we have; there's something so beautiful about it that it just makes me sigh. This week will mark my 34th birthday. Some days my achy body makes me feel so old I can't believe it's only 34. Other days I look at my life and can't understand how that much time has passed; life seems frozen in place. My sweet Cara-Mia being gone, and my cute Xena growing up seem to be the only markers to show life has continued. Though on occasion I'm shocked when I realize how much older my nephews and nieces are. It doesn't...

Life is full of waiting... Wait for the microwave, wait for the kettle, wait for the traffic light to turn green, wait for mealtimes, wait at the restaurant, wait in line at the store, waiting, waiting, waiting. Waiting can be boring, or frustrating or even stressful but there are some wait times that can be so much more difficult. Like waiting to find out if you have cancer...  or if the cancer is gone....  But today I particularly think of the waiting for motherhood. When we want children there are so many hard wait times. We wait to see if we get our period. More often than not we get it and the waiting starts all over for the next month. We may end up waiting to get in to see a specialist. Then you wait in the waiting room. Wait for test results, wait for that cycle to be at the right time and sometimes the waiting takes years. When we finally don't get that dreaded time of the month we end up waiting for that little line on a stick to show up (seriously a stressful...

Had this beautiful boy been born on his due date he would have turned two yesterday. How different our lives would be. Today we celebrate fathers. Most of us are hugging and smiling and saying "Happy Father's Day!" to more than one person. I'm thankful for the many wonderful fathers in my life, but part of me mourns. We often remember the women who grieve on mother's day, but what about the fathers with empty arms? I look at my dearest love and I know he would be an amazing parent. Despite being a father of 7 he doesn't have the blessing of being a parent. Most guys probably wouldn't talk about this but I think they deserve to be remembered too. So while I say happy Father's day to the many amazing parents in my life I think of those who may not find this day so happy. Those who have lost a father or fathers who have lost their child (or children). May you find comfort in the best Father there is, our Heavenly Father.    #FathersDay   #emptyarms #reme...

My heart feels heavy when I see the pain of my #infertilitywarriors . When someone is struggling through a hard time I wish I had the right words of wisdom to help them through, but I don't. I only know that even in our darkest hours we are not alone. God is bigger than any hurt we feel; Jesus suffered more than anything we'll ever go through, and the Spirit groans on our behalf before the Father. When I feel like there's nothing left in me to give, like I've no idea or clue what my purpose is or why I continue to go through the trenches I hold on to one thing. Though this world is full of the devastating results of sin God has a plan, though we endure hardships God will turn all things to the good of those who love Him. (Read Romans 8, the Bible does promise this!) God doesn't promise us an easy life, but He gave us directions to a new one. He guides us and protects us in the journey towards that new life. "Yay though I walk through the valley of the shadow ...

I've held back from writing for some time now. To be honest I'm afraid to start. When I think of the matters closest to heart and mind I melt into a pile of tears and sniffles. I want to be strong. I want the world to believe that my strength of faith gets me through everything. The truth is hard to put out there. The truth is I'm not strong. The truth is I am broken. The truth is I have nothing left to give. It's not by my own strength that I've made it through so much. I'm not the one who kept it together when I lost my children. I'm not the one who pulls me out of bed when the pain is so bad it's overwhelming. I'm not the one. I feel like I'm not getting through this time but the truth is it was never me. God has been the one to guide me, He has lifted me out of darkness and carried me when I've been weak. He gives me what I need. I just need to let go. Let it all go. Leave it all in my Heavenly Father's Hands. He will bring peace agai...