The NorMel House

Oh how we hurt from the pain of grief. Grief is so much more than just an emotion. Grief hits you. Sometimes so physically hard you think you can't do it. Its so overwhelming that you can't breath, or you fall to the floor and just can't do it anymore. Its horrible, but it's ok. Not ok in the sense that you minimize the problem but ok in that you need to understand its a normal part of grief. Even though it may feel like you can't go on, you will. You'll eventually get back up and continue to do what must be done. And if you have a day where you can't do anything, don't be too hard on yourself. Just tell yourself you'll try again tomorrow. The pain doesn't ever go away, but you will adapt to it. You will make room for it and be able to carry on. The one you lost isn't hurting anymore. So allow yourself time to feel, time to get through, because with God's grace you will. The Mel in the NorMel House. Still trying to be gracious to myself i...

My heart hurts today. I found out about a friend's loss today and cried. I find they hit me so much harder than before we lost ours. I want so much to say something to comfort but words just cant say enough, can they? I want to go hug her but all this physical distancing stuff has changed so much in society. I feel powerless... although that doesnt even feel like the right word, I cant explain it. My heart and mind are filled with prayers for her and her family, and all those who are grieving. I hope and pray you find comfort and strength in our Heavenly Father. 

I thank God for the father who raised me. He's kindhearted, generous, giving, loving and has always done his best for me. He raised me to serve and praise the Lord and I am truly grateful. I'm also grateful for the many other fathers in my life. I've been blessed with a wonderful Father-in-law who is wise and caring and has made me to feel grateful for both my families. To my dear husband, you're the best father no one seems to know. You've been a steady rock and Christian through all our children's births and deaths. Though you dont get to parent our children you show love and wisdom with all children. Our arms will be so full when we finally meet our children in heaven. I love you. Fathers come in many forms. To the many fathers in our lives, may you be blessed with wisdom and faith so you can raise your children to God's glory. To the ultimate and perfect Father be all glory. Without you, my Heavenly Father I'd have nothing. 

I'm not alone, I know that. But some days it sure feels that way. I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel this way; like there's a millstone in the middle of my chest and at any moment I could be crushed by the weight of it. Today there is so much emotion wrapped up in my memory bank; a lot of wondering about the things that might have been. 7 years ago I sat in an emergency room just waiting for the bad news. I knew it was coming. I had told my doctor a few weeks earlier but she had passed it off as first time nerves. I had tried to be positive despite my feelings that something was wrong. I didn't want to believe it, desperately wished it WAS just first times nerves, and up until those words were spoken I held onto that thin light of hope. I don't think you ever forget moments like that. Holding on to Norm's hand like it was a lifebuoy that he could pull me in from the storm with. Because despite him being there, despite it being his child to...

7 years ago I was pregnant and took up crocheting, somedays it doesn't seem that could possibly be right, other days it feels like a lifetime ago. I guess technically it was 8 little lives ago. Strange how seeing something so simple brings back so much. My little Miya, I was so looking forward to meeting you but I guess I'll have to wait longer still. My arms will be so full in heaven.

What is in a name? So many things come to mind; you might think of someone you know with the same name or be given an impression without even meeting the person. Do you consider the meaning of a #name ? The importance of being named? I do. Knowing someone's name can make that person more "real" to you; especially the #stillborn or #miscarried people. They are people, just little babies. Tomorrow, had my Miya made it to term, she would have been 6. I think about her alot. I think about all #preborn babies alot. I didn't choose to #lose my #children so I look forward to seeing each beautiful one again someday. October is #Pregnancy and #Infant #Loss #Awareness month. So many women #grieve in silence, whether they had no choice or they made a choice they now regret. Show #love , #grace and #support for those who suffer this loss; losing a child is not, and should never be, an easy or chosen thing.

Today I made a little white Angel Baby Sack. Because there are all kinds of mothers. Good moms (like mine), bad moms, moms of moms, moms that have their arms full and moms that have emptyarms. This little white bedding is made in case a mom has to lay their little one to rest. Today I mourned the loss of so many more than my own little babies. I thought and prayed for the mother's who said good bye to their children before they were ready.  The little blue bed was for another little boy who was laid to rest this past week. We're never ready to lose our children. We're never ready to lose our moms either. I thought and prayed for those who lost their moms today too. But I don't know what that feels like. I do know what it feels like to bear a child, hold that child in your hands and then have to lay that child in the ground. And although I can't say or do anything to take away the incredible hurt that causes I can try provide something soft and beautiful to la...

This past week another little child went to heaven. A woman held her little boy after being pregnant for nearly 20 weeks. Her and her husband held him, named him, cried over him. His siblings drew him pictures and made presents to put in his tiny little casket. This little child will be buried but never forgotten. My heart breaks with them. And I will continue to pray for them. We live in a broken world and death is a sad and horrible result of sin. There's nothing we can say or do to make that heartache any easier. But knowing that we'll see them again is comforting knowledge. God has our little ones safely in His Hands. He will keep them safe and we will see them again

It's been twenty days. Fourteen days of unknown. Six days of knowing. Six days knowing you're gone. Six days knowing I've lost one more. Six days knowing I will never hold you in this life. Six days of confusion, sadness, guilt, exhaustion and weeping. Forty-four days ago you were conceived. Life was given and formed in a lab. Not the natural way but you couldn't be loved more. Twenty days ago I got to carry you home in my womb. Never have I been so in love with a child only eight cells formed. A very different experience for us. Fourteen days of earnest prayers, talking to you and telling you I love you. My dear little Petie, I know I'll see you again some day but it hurts so bad knowing you couldn't stay. It feels like a knife to the heart when I think of all the things we'll never do or get to see. My breath is ripped from my lungs as if I've been punched in the gut; how can I go on? Eight children. I have eight children! Yet I don't get to hol...

I thought I'd share a little about my journey for those of you who have just come across my little blog... My wonderful hubby and I have been married for nearly 8 years now. We both come from families with 6 kids and are 4th oldest. I think we both assumed we'd end up with about as many children ourselves, despite getting married at 26( he was 25 - yup I snagged me a younger man😉) In 2013 we started intentionally trying for children and we're beyond the moon to find out we were expecting right away! I didn't feel things were right but my doctor said that was because I'd never been pregnant before and when I was 13 weeks I had a little bit of spotting. I was convinced she was wrong so I went to the hospital anyways. We had lost baby Miya weeks earlier (coincidentally at the time I told my doctor things didn't feel right). This began our long journey with loss and fertility clinics. We lost another child later that year, and two the following year, and ano...

Life is full of waiting... Wait for the microwave, wait for the kettle, wait for the traffic light to turn green, wait for mealtimes, wait at the restaurant, wait in line at the store, waiting, waiting, waiting. Waiting can be boring, or frustrating or even stressful but there are some wait times that can be so much more difficult. Like waiting to find out if you have cancer...  or if the cancer is gone....  But today I particularly think of the waiting for motherhood. When we want children there are so many hard wait times. We wait to see if we get our period. More often than not we get it and the waiting starts all over for the next month. We may end up waiting to get in to see a specialist. Then you wait in the waiting room. Wait for test results, wait for that cycle to be at the right time and sometimes the waiting takes years. When we finally don't get that dreaded time of the month we end up waiting for that little line on a stick to show up (seriously a stressful...

Had this beautiful boy been born on his due date he would have turned two yesterday. How different our lives would be. Today we celebrate fathers. Most of us are hugging and smiling and saying "Happy Father's Day!" to more than one person. I'm thankful for the many wonderful fathers in my life, but part of me mourns. We often remember the women who grieve on mother's day, but what about the fathers with empty arms? I look at my dearest love and I know he would be an amazing parent. Despite being a father of 7 he doesn't have the blessing of being a parent. Most guys probably wouldn't talk about this but I think they deserve to be remembered too. So while I say happy Father's day to the many amazing parents in my life I think of those who may not find this day so happy. Those who have lost a father or fathers who have lost their child (or children). May you find comfort in the best Father there is, our Heavenly Father.    #FathersDay   #emptyarms #reme...

My heart feels heavy when I see the pain of my #infertilitywarriors . When someone is struggling through a hard time I wish I had the right words of wisdom to help them through, but I don't. I only know that even in our darkest hours we are not alone. God is bigger than any hurt we feel; Jesus suffered more than anything we'll ever go through, and the Spirit groans on our behalf before the Father. When I feel like there's nothing left in me to give, like I've no idea or clue what my purpose is or why I continue to go through the trenches I hold on to one thing. Though this world is full of the devastating results of sin God has a plan, though we endure hardships God will turn all things to the good of those who love Him. (Read Romans 8, the Bible does promise this!) God doesn't promise us an easy life, but He gave us directions to a new one. He guides us and protects us in the journey towards that new life. "Yay though I walk through the valley of the shadow ...

I haven't had the gift of words lately. Seems that grief can rip the words right out of your mind and leave you seeking answers to questions but not knowing what those questions are. I can't explain the way I feel or why this seems to have knocked me down so hard when I knew it was coming. I thought I was prepared. I'm starting to learn that you can never be prepared for the loss of a child. "I know you hear me, I know you see me Lord. Your plans are for me, goodness you have in store, so Thy will be done..." The words so beautifully sung by Hilary Scott so often ring through my mind. May, by God's Grace, I find my way to holding on to this truth.

Confused... Puzzled... Confuzzled That's how my brain is atm (at-the-moment). Have you ever had it that you really badly want something, but at the same time you really don't want it and you can't figure out how that can possibly be? Weird thing is, I really don't feel like I FEEL anything about it other than confusion over the emotions that surface randomly. It's all rather puzzling. After wanting and losing so many children I came to a point where I thought 'I really don't want any more children.' I didn't get to keep the ones I've had but I don't feel the desire or need to have more. Maybe it's a defense mechanism... but it doesn't feel like it. It almost feels logical. Like it's time to move on, and live life outside of that desire. I've never had an issue getting pregnant, it usually happened the 2nd or 3rd month we tried. For some unknown reason I have just never carried to full term. The only change the Fertility ...

I recently came across a post on Facebook about prolife promoting. I am 100% pro life but I have come across some awful prolife promotions. I've nearly had accidents from the horrific posters they've hung over the Lincoln Alexander Parkway and Im glad it isn't allowed anymore. I don't even want to be associated with the groups who use shocking images to try convince people to be prolife. From someone who has had many miscarriages and held a son who was only 17 weeks along it was one of the most emotionally traumatizing things to have to see. No woman should have to go through that, they're are better ways to make our point. Why not show the intricacies of our children instead of man's destruction. Explain the beauty of life God has given. Right from conception we are unique individuals who simply need to grow and develop. We don't kill our born children because they aren't fully developed. In fact our frontal lobe isn't fully developed til were i...

When I look at your heavens, the work of your hands, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?         Ps. 8:3&4 Moments. Moments are what we're given. A moment to think, a moment to hold on to, a moment of peace, a moment of silence. Moments. Each precious, tiny moment a gift. To love, cherish, to have and to hold on to. At this moment (and for quite a few lately) my heart is actively reminding me of moments passed, moments that never happened and ones that won't ever happen. It hurts. When I think of all the moments I'll never have with my children, you know the ones every parent looks forward to, my chest hurts. First Christmas, first steps, first words, first birthday, so many firsts that I won't get with them. I'm thankful Denver and his siblings will never have to feel this pain. We often forget to live in each God given moment. We wor...

A friend lost a child this past week. He was her 6th son. She has two beautiful daughters, but all her sons have moved on to glory. My heart just broke when I found out and as devastated as I was for them I know she still hurts more. When we lose a child we often feel it's too soon, or think "I just wish I could have held them (for some it may be held them once more)". We will get to, I have no doubt I will see my children again. And yet, as I saw this post on Instagram I couldn't help but feel sad and hurt. I don't think that will ever leave me but I'm thankful for the knowledge that God is holding them. "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 From the NorMel House where things are anything but normal and where the burden of grief can be shared

This morning we had a sermon which brought me to tears. A sermon about Abraham being told to sacrifice his one and only beloved son. He said, "Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you." GEN 22:2 ESV Without hesitation Abraham packs up to do as he is asked. He is told to sacrifice his only beloved son; the son whom he prayed and longed for, whom he waited for years for, THIS son he is asked to give up to God. And he doesn't question or argue or even drag his feet, he trusts. He simply trusted God with his child. In my weakness, I cry for him. How does one just accept a request like that without hesitation? I know Abraham trusted God, and I often pray for that strength of faith and courage. During the sermon the minister brought up the comparison of God sending His only begotten Son to die for us and these two things have been especially diffi...

Sonohysterograph Sound like fun? Nope. It seriously isn't. I have had many of these on the journey to motherhood. Today I had another one. I actually prepped for this one by taking several Advil and it still managed to be the worst one I've ever had. Why do I keep putting myself through these? Well, today's was the first look since my surgery; to see how the surgery went and make sure everything is ok. I'm very thankful that things are good, but the stabbing pain that shot through my neck, shoulders, lungs and ribs when they shot the saline in really puts a damper on my enthusiasm. (If you don't know what it is, Sonohysterogram: is a technique in which fluid is injected through the cervix into the uterus, and ultrasound is used to make images of the uterine cavity.) Time for some brutal honesty. On December 30, 2015 I was in the hospital giving birth to my son Denver. I was only 16 weeks pregnant, and he was the most beautiful boy I'd ever seen. He didn...