Confuzzled

Confused...
Puzzled...
Confuzzled

That's how my brain is atm (at-the-moment). Have you ever had it that you really badly want something, but at the same time you really don't want it and you can't figure out how that can possibly be? Weird thing is, I really don't feel like I FEEL anything about it other than confusion over the emotions that surface randomly. It's all rather puzzling.
After wanting and losing so many children I came to a point where I thought 'I really don't want any more children.' I didn't get to keep the ones I've had but I don't feel the desire or need to have more. Maybe it's a defense mechanism... but it doesn't feel like it. It almost feels logical. Like it's time to move on, and live life outside of that desire.
I've never had an issue getting pregnant, it usually happened the 2nd or 3rd month we tried. For some unknown reason I have just never carried to full term. The only change the Fertility specialist could do was remove a very large fibroid (it was ginormous! Seriously, it was half a foot big!) After all the surgeries and health stuff was dealt with and we were finally allowed to start trying again it didn't happen. In the 3rd month I was sure I was expecting as my body was being ridiculous (like the previous first weeks of pregnancies), so when my cycle came in like a freight train I was shocked. Reeling in pain from its decidedly brutal side effects I somehow started crying in disappointment??? Why? I don't know. I suddenly had a physical desire to be holding my own baby and even though my head said "I don't really want one" my body said "OH YES I DO!"
I can't figure it out, and I can't seem to block it out either.
I know God has a plan for me. I trust His good and perfect Will. I just don't know how to change the "channel to a better station" in my head.


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