The NorMel House

Dead Dead inside and yet wishing it was actually true. Because it isn't. The truth is I'm alive. I wouldn't really call it living though. I'm existing in a world made up of pain, agony, exhaustion, confusion, and simply existing through it because nothing has killed me yet. Not the times of complete numbness to the world around me, not the extreme emotions that hit like a storm and threaten to take my last breath. They never do, though I wish they would. Seems anything would be better than this. Not too many people would understand my plight, though some may understand parts. I was ok-ish. For a person with depression, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Myofascial Pain Disorder, PMDD, back issues, complete lack of immune system and so many other health problems I was ok. For a while. I accepted that God has taken all 8 of our children to be with Him. I accepted that I would always live in pain. I accepted and even got to the point where I don't even want to raise children in thi...

By now hundreds of thousands of people have been tested for covid, however if you haven't, you aren't missing anything fun. We had to book our appointments 2 days away as the testing facilities were so busy. They sent us to an arena and told us to go in through the Zamboni doors.  With lots of "No Pictures" signs and double checking health cards we drove in a circle on the arena floor. Last stop? Poking a plastic brush-like thing up your nostril... Not a pleasant feeling, but what can you do? Then it was a waiting game...in isolation with the hubby and 4-legged babies. As symptoms left, new ones came. My body went through all kinds of things and when I called the test results line 5 days later the lady told me it sounded like covid to her, but my results weren't in yet.  Eventually I called and they told me the test was negative but by that point I'd already been quarantined for 2 weeks just in case. Regardless of what it was I had I was still recovering at th...

"You have searched me, Lord , and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.  You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.  Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord , know it completely.  You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.  Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?  If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.  If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,  even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.  If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”  even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.  For you created my inmost being; you...

To say the last few weeks have been difficult would be an understatement. At times it felt like hell on earth. Three weeks ago at this time I was fighting some sort of flu or virus, as well as a pinched nerve in my spine; the combination of the fever, pain, uncontrollable body shaking chills, headache, nausea, dry heaving, body drenching sweats and spasms had me begging for death. In shame, I admit to asking my husband to put an end to my misery, pleading with him for death. I don't remember much from those first couple days other than the pain, and overwhelming desire to have it all end. Despite my husband's pleading, I refused to go to the hospital, terrified of being put in isolation and suffering all alone. With all the fear and regulations due to Covid-19 I knew they would isolate me. Several of the symptoms being recognized as Covid-19 symptoms were wreaking havoc on my body and I wasn't certain if I had it or not. I only knew I was barely hanging on as it was. I was ...

Going through hardships, loss or trials can leave us confused and feeling hurt. We don’t understand why we go through them and can be left feeling brokenhearted. When struggling with life’s disappointments and troubles it’s hard to do as the Bible says in James 1:2 and “count it all joy”. It’s times like these that we need to remember what the Bible says in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Though we may not always see it or understand God’s plans for us we can always go to Him in prayer. The best thing we can pray is that God’s will be done. His desire and plans for us are better than anything we can dream up or hope for ourselves. As you go through rough times it’s ok to cry out to God, but remember to trust His good will for you. Today’s #TuesdayTunes speaks to the broken hearted in a prayer that reminds us to pray that God’s Will be done.  Check out Hillary S...

Strange times Strange indeed. I cant decide if my mental health is more affected by the social distancing or by the fact that my body is trying to adapt to life "post-fertility treatments ". Its been quite sometime since we lost Petey and it seems that every month my hormonal changes are worse and worse. It's quite possible  my PMDD is coming back with a vengeance.  Having said that, we've been dealing with the repercussions of Covid19 for nearly 10 weeks. At least that's how long the hubby has been working from home now. Or it's possibly all due to allergy season kicking in. Its unbelievably frustrating that I can't go outside without having to pass out before dinnertime. Sleep is not restorative, nor a choice. I'm quite useless lately and maybe that is the reason behind the "low". Its hard to figure out how to fix a specific symptom when you've got many health problems that could be the cause. Oh well, nothing can really be done at th...

In these uncertain times it's hard to imagine that there is any comfort or hope. It's easy to fall prey to the devil's attempts to pull us away from God. He fills us with doubt, fear, worry, and unbelief. If you suffer from depression or mental illness you probably find the devils voice can be quite loud. I admit (and have shared) many of the times the devil's temptations of despair have overwhelmed me. With all the social distancing and self-quarentine happening we miss out on something most of us NEED. As Christians especially we're used to gathering together as God's family every week, and while we've taken advantage of Livestream technology it is just not the same. Despite all the sad and scary things going on in the world we need to remember God's goodness. God is our gracious and heavenly Father; the Bible, His Holy Word, is filled with assurances of His help and comfort. Open your Bible and find comfort in Him. Find your peace and strength in the ...

Late at night Deep inside the darkest corners of my mind A voice whispers Its steady pull is winning Though soft, it threatens to silence the tiny thread of logic that I cling to. Time is not my friend, and with the dawn comes disappointment once again The new day dawns, still, the voice whispers on Like a leech clinging, pulling, ripping the life from my veins. I am weak Held together by a few desperate threads The voice persists Telling me they're not enough Too thin, these threads will break and be shredded by the darkness that presses me down Yet it tells me more, the voice still mocks, telling me I'll fail as before Even in this Melynda Hoeksema

So much I just don't know. I mean, I do know, but at the same time I just don't. I don't know why my brain just doesn't cooperate. I can't think straight. I don't know why my eyes start hurting and the tears start flowing. I don't know why I'M  SO VERY TIRED! I can't understand why I can't smile. Even when there's beauty, love, and so very many amazing things in my life, I just don't smile.  My body hurts. My head hurts. My thoughts get all jumbled and mixed up. Yet, I hear thoughts in my head I don't want to and find myself contemplating things I know I shouldn't. Why are those ones crystal clear and so very loud while everything else seems like trying to read a book that's been scribbled all over with black marker? Why have I lost all interest in the things that used to make me happy? Why can't I find the small joys back?  I know there's 'answers'. I know I have several auto-immune di...

Every year I struggle with the darkness of winter. My body and mind crave the sunshine and a break from the achy dampness that seems to last forever. But every year I come back to this. Every year I have these faithful reminders. Faithful in their yearly return; faithfully reminding me of the one in whom I put my faith. They get all they need from the same amazing Creator that gives us all life. I see these beautiful and bright displays of color and life and I know. Darkness will not last forever. There is hope. I am a #ChildofGod #beautycomes #NoartistlikeTheArtist #Nofilter #nature #beautyinnature #beautyincreation #AwesomeGod #Godisgood #blessed #flowers #rain #sunshine #color #life #creation #SADs #wildgardens #flower #springreturns

I'm tired Not just "I could use an extra hour" kind of tired, but exhausted. Yes, I'm an insomniac so I am used to being tired, but this is different. In the middle of a Fibroflare. Weather is killing the joints, body isn't adjusting to the diet, brain is on overtime with work and the chest infection (that's supposed to be cleared from antibiotics) is still making me cough whenever I try lay down. Bone deep tired. Social media definitely doesn't help. I keep seeing all these lovely posts of people going to warmer climates on vacations and the green eyed monster is sighing inside. It's also that time of year when SAD kicks in and makes it harder to stay happy. I know I'm not alone in that, many people suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Thankfully the sun is at least shining today. We've had some pretty crazy weather here in Ontario lately and the kids have had SO MANY snow days! I wonder if they made a record this year lol.  I don...

My thoughts are filled with sadness And my mind can't find a way It all just feels so heavy, Lord I don't know how to face the day. You've created us so intricate An amazing, complex design But my body is so broken Lord The pain has filled my mind I'm overwhelmed and weary I don't know what to do With heavy heart yet hopeful Lord, I can only turn to You. Mel in The NorMel House, feeling the struggle today

What does one do when they're thoughts aren't really their own? When the body isn't balanced and the mind is playing tricks on you; what do you do? Depression is one example of what I mean. Logically speaking there's nothing wrong with a person's life but the chemical balance tells you you can't deal. You can't do it, you can't go on. The mind searches for a reason for these feelings and thoughts, and you find anything to justify them. But if you are lucky enough to see what's going on you know that isn't how things really are. Yes you really feel that way - the emotions are there - but if you could take emotion out of it,  you don't actually think that. So how do you deal with those emotions? They can be overwhelming, they can be over powering, they can make everything feel black, but oh to be Spock and turn them off. I know it's possible to not listen to the ideas formed in those moments, but is there actually a way to change the chemic...