Covid-19 scare and a test of faith part 2
By now hundreds of thousands of people have been tested for covid, however if you haven't, you aren't missing anything fun. We had to book our appointments 2 days away as the testing facilities were so busy. They sent us to an arena and told us to go in through the Zamboni doors. With lots of "No Pictures" signs and double checking health cards we drove in a circle on the arena floor. Last stop? Poking a plastic brush-like thing up your nostril... Not a pleasant feeling, but what can you do?
Then it was a waiting game...in isolation with the hubby and 4-legged babies. As symptoms left, new ones came. My body went through all kinds of things and when I called the test results line 5 days later the lady told me it sounded like covid to her, but my results weren't in yet.
Eventually I called and they told me the test was negative but by that point I'd already been quarantined for 2 weeks just in case. Regardless of what it was I had I was still recovering at that point. To be honest I haven't gotten fully better. I've been SO TIRED (my insomnia issue doesn't help that) and for the first time in a few years I'm actually using inhalers again. I got winded just putting car seats in my car the other day. My lungs don't appear to be as healthy or strong as they were prior to being sick. But I'm thankful the rest is past. I wouldn't wish that on anyone and I still have my doubts about the test they did and how accurate it is. A nurse friend told me she's heard of lots of cases where the person tested negative but had the exact symptoms as someone in their house that tested positive so who knows.
I think the hardest part of all of this was the test of faith. I really struggled with asking why God would allow yet another sickness to hit me. I honestly wanted to die and begged God for mercy. Like Jonah, I pleaded for death and just didn't want to live anymore. Death held more appeal than life as the suffering was too intense. I have always said that when it comes to knowledge vs feelings that knowledge wins out. I know the answers; I know that my feelings are often a result of a chemical imbalance. I know what the Bible teaches us. And up til that weekend it was enough to hold on to. But I lost something that weekend. Satan's whispering lies told me that I should be disappointed in God. That if God loves me then I should get the answers I want from God. I really struggled with this. I've been through a lot of trials and health problems and through it I somehow knew that the knowledge was enough. I knew I wasn't alone despite feeling that way. I don't know how this one battle caused my knowledge to be shaken but it did. And looking back now, knowing that I made it through it, I can say that it was a temporary fall into despair. Without God I would be nothing. Without God life would be unbearable, and if I got what I deserve it would be impossible for me to do anything. That's just it though, Christ suffered and God turned His back on Him so that I wouldn't have to pay for my sins. I thought it was unbearable, but the truth is He bore me up. He carried me through it. He weeps with us for our pain and sorrows. He loves us more than we can possibly understand. It took me a long time to write this second part because I've been struggling with those thoughts but I realized I need to stop looking at myself. My purpose here on earth isn't about what I want. My purpose is to praise God, spread His Word and live a life that's pleasing to Him. The good things in my life are a blessing undeserved. I find depression has a tendency to make me look inward and think of myself only. I get overwhelmed by my pain and my thoughts. When we switch our focus it becomes a little easier. Focusing on God and helping others can honestly help the battle with our negative thoughts. It's not easy, nor is it going to cure depression, but it can help. I don't know what battles you're facing in life but whatever they are you are not alone. We are never alone. Like the Footprints poem says "my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
Depression is hard, living with long term pain and illness is hard. But no matter what you're going through Christ went through so much worse because He loves you. Despite my lungs not bringing in enough oxygen, despite the full body pain, despite the headaches and allergies, despite the inabilities to complete normal everyday tasks, I am ok. Why? Because I know that my Redeemer lives. His resurrection and life means that some day I too will live with God. What greater comfort could there be? Instead of looking down and inward, look up and forward. Up to God, forward to Heaven. May God fill you with the knowledge to get you through when you don't feel it.
The Mel in The NorMel House, still recovering, still learning, still making it through by God's grace.
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