I just don't know.

So much I just don't know. I mean, I do know, but at the same time I just don't.
I don't know why my brain just doesn't cooperate. I can't think straight. I don't know why my eyes start hurting and the tears start flowing. I don't know why

I'M 

SO

VERY

TIRED!

I can't understand why I can't smile. Even when there's beauty, love, and so very many amazing things in my life, I just don't smile. 
My body hurts. My head hurts. My thoughts get all jumbled and mixed up. Yet, I hear thoughts in my head I don't want to and find myself contemplating things I know I shouldn't. Why are those ones crystal clear and so very loud while everything else seems like trying to read a book that's been scribbled all over with black marker? Why have I lost all interest in the things that used to make me happy? Why can't I find the small joys back? 
I know there's 'answers'. I know I have several auto-immune disorders, chronic pain disorders, health problems and all of this makes depression a huge part of my life but I still find myself asking why. I know that sin has ruined this world and caused so much brokeness and problems but it just doesn't feel like an answer. I know I'm a sinner and I don't deserve any good thing, but I also know God has blessed me in many ways. Why can't I smile and be happy about those things? I just want to feel something other than misery. Why, if I have to feel only one emotion, can't it be joy?
I don't know.
I just don't know.
Today, in the middle of a world-wide health crisis, I miss my daytime kiddos and the distractions they provide. Today, in the government recommended self-isolation, I realize that all these desires to be hiding away in a dark hole somewhere aren't actually what I need. As much as I need my alone-time I don't think its too healthy for the mind. Maybe, if I could get myself to do the things around the house that need doing, my mind wouldn't be so difficult to deal with but my body just isn't cooperating either. I'm sure that there are many people struggling with this "quarentine" style life we're stuck in so I should stop my complaining. I'm not totally alone. Nor is working from home so we get to have lunch and coffee together. God is with me always, I need to remind myself of what that means. He has the whole world in His Hands, and the Covid19 epidemic is under His control. I may not know why or understand all these things, but I can rely on His promises. Even this He can turn to the good. He will turn all things to the good of those who love Him.
Praying you find comfort in this. Praying I find peace in this. Praying we all remember to trust.
Mel from the NorMel House.

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