Covid-19 scare and a test of faith... part 1

To say the last few weeks have been difficult would be an understatement. At times it felt like hell on earth.

Three weeks ago at this time I was fighting some sort of flu or virus, as well as a pinched nerve in my spine; the combination of the fever, pain, uncontrollable body shaking chills, headache, nausea, dry heaving, body drenching sweats and spasms had me begging for death. In shame, I admit to asking my husband to put an end to my misery, pleading with him for death. I don't remember much from those first couple days other than the pain, and overwhelming desire to have it all end. Despite my husband's pleading, I refused to go to the hospital, terrified of being put in isolation and suffering all alone. With all the fear and regulations due to Covid-19 I knew they would isolate me. Several of the symptoms being recognized as Covid-19 symptoms were wreaking havoc on my body and I wasn't certain if I had it or not. I only knew I was barely hanging on as it was. I was afraid to be alone. I had pain in places that didn't make sense; it hurt to breathe and my body went from one drastic symptom to another.  Like David, I cried out to God asking why He had forsaken me. "O God, I cry by day, but You do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest" (Ps 22). And like Job I cried to God for help and felt He did not answer. "The night racks my bones and the pain that gnaws me takes no rest... I cry to You for help and you do not answer me..." (Job 30:17, 20) My faith took a beating and the devil taunted me with thoughts that God didn't care. I don't think I could ever truly explain what my body and mind all endured that weekend but I fear I failed to show child-like faith and trust in God. 

By Monday the drenching sweats and teeth-chattering chills had started spreading out and I had short breaks between which allowed me some rest. Use of my inversion table alleviated the some of the pressure on the nerves in my spine which also helped. Slowly over the week some symptoms would go but new ones took their place. None so bad as the weekend, for which I was truly grateful. Thursday had my husband and I going through a drive-through Covid testing center as per my doctor's instructions. Strange but typical during this time, my doctor's appointment was conducted via phone call, and other than our trip for the test we were told to isolate. My fear of being hospitalized and isolated alone was assuaged. 

The week was one of sleeping, fighting varying symptoms, and trying to finally start getting some food in me again. Not a pleasant existence, merely survival. I couldn't help but feel that God had let me down. I cried often, so afraid that I was no longer feeling like I could trust God's goodness. Don't get me wrong, I didn't doubt God's Word, I still knew all His promises are true, but my ability to feel any hope had disappeared. I worried that I'd lose my faith and turn bitter. It seemed so easy to just get angry at God and blame Him for my misery, despite knowing that none of it was God's fault. Even as my body was broken and weak my heart and soul felt worse.