Strange times, cruel messages and round and round I go
Strange times
Strange indeed.
I cant decide if my mental health is more affected by the social distancing or by the fact that my body is trying to adapt to life "post-fertility treatments ". Its been quite sometime since we lost Petey and it seems that every month my hormonal changes are worse and worse. It's quite possible my PMDD is coming back with a vengeance. Having said that, we've been dealing with the repercussions of Covid19 for nearly 10 weeks. At least that's how long the hubby has been working from home now. Or it's possibly all due to allergy season kicking in. Its unbelievably frustrating that I can't go outside without having to pass out before dinnertime. Sleep is not restorative, nor a choice. I'm quite useless lately and maybe that is the reason behind the "low". Its hard to figure out how to fix a specific symptom when you've got many health problems that could be the cause. Oh well, nothing can really be done at the moment anyways. The healthcare system is also in strange times. No point in dwelling...
Have you been outside lately? The sunshine, the flowers, the beautiful weather, all make for wonderful and scenic walks, hikes and adventures. It'll be so great when parks are fully open again!
Mother's Day came and went. The day itself wasn't so bad this year; we went to my parents place as we hadn't gone to visit for my mother's birthday. Turned off the social media and allowed myself to be distracted by my visit.
Sadly, I wasn't able to avoid it long. Apparently someone felt the need to message me that week to gossip about someone else, and to complain about how they grieve a lost child despite having a new baby. Apparently she felt it wrong that they include their losses when they talk about how many children they have. My mind exploded. There was more to the message but I'm thankful I thought long and hard before responding. Not sure why she felt the need to talk to me about it, other than maybe to point out that I tell people I have 8 children, despite the fact that none are living. The whole thing was incredibly hurtful, unnecessary and just plain wrong. I've been going round and round in my head ever since. Was it wrong to have Petey? Is it wrong we've decided to avoid having children? Am I selfish for not wanting to get pregnant again? Does it make me weak? Is my faith not good enough?
My heart has been shattered into the smallest possible pieces and so many of those pieces are lost. I dont think it will ever be whole again in this lifetime. I dont think I can lose anymore pieces or handle another heart-shattering loss. But there are those who would say that I just need to try again. But here's a question for you: if I'm daily fighting suicidal thoughts, how on earth could I be expected to put my body through another pregnancy??? Think of the hormones, the changes, the emotions that go along with pregnancy, and then consider what happens when your body has gone through pregnancies that never made it to 40 weeks. The havoc it plays on your physical, mental and emotional health is great. Buuuuuutttt.... what if? So many what ifs. So much guilt and fear and pain. I thought I knew how I felt and what was the right decision but now I'm back to wondering. Would putting my body through another pregnancy put my mental health at greater risk? It's a daily (sometimes minutely) battle to keep myself from doing something I shouldn't. How can it be healthy to try grow a child in a body that struggles with suicidal thoughts and major chemical deficiencies? But... what if?
What if
Strange indeed.
I cant decide if my mental health is more affected by the social distancing or by the fact that my body is trying to adapt to life "post-fertility treatments ". Its been quite sometime since we lost Petey and it seems that every month my hormonal changes are worse and worse. It's quite possible my PMDD is coming back with a vengeance. Having said that, we've been dealing with the repercussions of Covid19 for nearly 10 weeks. At least that's how long the hubby has been working from home now. Or it's possibly all due to allergy season kicking in. Its unbelievably frustrating that I can't go outside without having to pass out before dinnertime. Sleep is not restorative, nor a choice. I'm quite useless lately and maybe that is the reason behind the "low". Its hard to figure out how to fix a specific symptom when you've got many health problems that could be the cause. Oh well, nothing can really be done at the moment anyways. The healthcare system is also in strange times. No point in dwelling...
Have you been outside lately? The sunshine, the flowers, the beautiful weather, all make for wonderful and scenic walks, hikes and adventures. It'll be so great when parks are fully open again!
Mother's Day came and went. The day itself wasn't so bad this year; we went to my parents place as we hadn't gone to visit for my mother's birthday. Turned off the social media and allowed myself to be distracted by my visit.
Sadly, I wasn't able to avoid it long. Apparently someone felt the need to message me that week to gossip about someone else, and to complain about how they grieve a lost child despite having a new baby. Apparently she felt it wrong that they include their losses when they talk about how many children they have. My mind exploded. There was more to the message but I'm thankful I thought long and hard before responding. Not sure why she felt the need to talk to me about it, other than maybe to point out that I tell people I have 8 children, despite the fact that none are living. The whole thing was incredibly hurtful, unnecessary and just plain wrong. I've been going round and round in my head ever since. Was it wrong to have Petey? Is it wrong we've decided to avoid having children? Am I selfish for not wanting to get pregnant again? Does it make me weak? Is my faith not good enough?
My heart has been shattered into the smallest possible pieces and so many of those pieces are lost. I dont think it will ever be whole again in this lifetime. I dont think I can lose anymore pieces or handle another heart-shattering loss. But there are those who would say that I just need to try again. But here's a question for you: if I'm daily fighting suicidal thoughts, how on earth could I be expected to put my body through another pregnancy??? Think of the hormones, the changes, the emotions that go along with pregnancy, and then consider what happens when your body has gone through pregnancies that never made it to 40 weeks. The havoc it plays on your physical, mental and emotional health is great. Buuuuuutttt.... what if? So many what ifs. So much guilt and fear and pain. I thought I knew how I felt and what was the right decision but now I'm back to wondering. Would putting my body through another pregnancy put my mental health at greater risk? It's a daily (sometimes minutely) battle to keep myself from doing something I shouldn't. How can it be healthy to try grow a child in a body that struggles with suicidal thoughts and major chemical deficiencies? But... what if?
What if
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