memories
I'm not alone, I know that. But some days it sure feels that way. I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel this way; like there's a millstone in the middle of my chest and at any moment I could be crushed by the weight of it. Today there is so much emotion wrapped up in my memory bank; a lot of wondering about the things that might have been.
7 years ago I sat in an emergency room just waiting for the bad news. I knew it was coming. I had told my doctor a few weeks earlier but she had passed it off as first time nerves. I had tried to be positive despite my feelings that something was wrong. I didn't want to believe it, desperately wished it WAS just first times nerves, and up until those words were spoken I held onto that thin light of hope. I don't think you ever forget moments like that. Holding on to Norm's hand like it was a lifebuoy that he could pull me in from the storm with. Because despite him being there, despite it being his child too and despite being in a building full of people, I felt alone. A part of me had died. The beautiful little life that had grown for a while had stopped. The flicker of flame that had begun to grow had been blown out and the warmth in my heart was gone. I should have been 13 weeks pregnant but our little Miya had stopped growing around the time I had seen my doctor. And to make things harder my body, like my heart, didn't want to let go of my child. Several weeks of checking and trying various methods unsuccessfully made the tragedy drag on. Eventually I ended up having an A&C to avoid infection, and for some strange reason my conscience was wracked with guilt over it all.
7 years ago I sat in an emergency room just waiting for the bad news. I knew it was coming. I had told my doctor a few weeks earlier but she had passed it off as first time nerves. I had tried to be positive despite my feelings that something was wrong. I didn't want to believe it, desperately wished it WAS just first times nerves, and up until those words were spoken I held onto that thin light of hope. I don't think you ever forget moments like that. Holding on to Norm's hand like it was a lifebuoy that he could pull me in from the storm with. Because despite him being there, despite it being his child too and despite being in a building full of people, I felt alone. A part of me had died. The beautiful little life that had grown for a while had stopped. The flicker of flame that had begun to grow had been blown out and the warmth in my heart was gone. I should have been 13 weeks pregnant but our little Miya had stopped growing around the time I had seen my doctor. And to make things harder my body, like my heart, didn't want to let go of my child. Several weeks of checking and trying various methods unsuccessfully made the tragedy drag on. Eventually I ended up having an A&C to avoid infection, and for some strange reason my conscience was wracked with guilt over it all.
Fast forward to 2015. 2 years later. A day that I should have been in the hospital but was not. It would have been a happy trip to the hospital, but it was not to be. Little Jesse, like Miya and our 2nd and 3rd babies, didn't make it to 12 weeks. Jesse might have been named for my grandmother had things been different. I might have been celebrating a 5 year old's birthday today had this, our 4th baby, lived. It also happens to be my grandmother's birthday today, and while I'm thankful to celebrate 90 years of my grandmother today my heart is heavy. I know I'm not the only who grieves the loss of children but that doesn't really make the burden any lighter. It just makes me sad that there are others who have gone through this pain. The pain itself changes with time, but its never gone, it seems to be more of a journey than an incident. So today I look forward to the day I'll see my babies again. I may not get to watch them grow and live now, but I know I'll have eternity with them and eventually the pain and sadness will be no more.
Life here on earth isn't easy. Sin has caused so much pain and grief in this world. I look forward to the day when God will take the pain away. I trust His unfailing love, and though my arms are empty here, one day they'll be wonderfully full.
Mel in the NorMel House
Trust in God
Life here on earth isn't easy. Sin has caused so much pain and grief in this world. I look forward to the day when God will take the pain away. I trust His unfailing love, and though my arms are empty here, one day they'll be wonderfully full.
Mel in the NorMel House
Trust in God
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