A letter to my little love #mylittlePetie #grief #miscarriage
It's been twenty days.
Fourteen days of unknown.
Six days of knowing.
Six days knowing you're gone. Six days knowing I've lost one more. Six days knowing I will never hold you in this life. Six days of confusion, sadness, guilt, exhaustion and weeping. Forty-four days ago you were conceived. Life was given and formed in a lab. Not the natural way but you couldn't be loved more. Twenty days ago I got to carry you home in my womb. Never have I been so in love with a child only eight cells formed. A very different experience for us. Fourteen days of earnest prayers, talking to you and telling you I love you. My dear little Petie, I know I'll see you again some day but it hurts so bad knowing you couldn't stay. It feels like a knife to the heart when I think of all the things we'll never do or get to see. My breath is ripped from my lungs as if I've been punched in the gut; how can I go on? Eight children. I have eight children! Yet I don't get to hold them, or teach them, or watch them learn and grow. I won't see first smiles or steps, I won't see first days of school, I won't see graduations or first dates or any of those beautiful moments. I selfishly want those. Would you look like me? Maybe have my blue eyes and your daddy's red hair? Would you be calm, quiet and wise like your father or emotional, loud and crazy like me? Despite knowing you're in Heaven I selfishly want you back. I know I can't, so I'm trying to move past the pain. It's hard my little one, in a way I'm thankful you'll never know pain or sorrow like this. I know you won't ever read this but I needed to say it. I love you.
Forty-four days of loving you.
Fourteen days of carrying you.
Six days grieving for you.
A lifetime waiting to meet you again.
Your loving momma,
Melynda Hoeksema
Fourteen days of unknown.
Six days of knowing.
Six days knowing you're gone. Six days knowing I've lost one more. Six days knowing I will never hold you in this life. Six days of confusion, sadness, guilt, exhaustion and weeping. Forty-four days ago you were conceived. Life was given and formed in a lab. Not the natural way but you couldn't be loved more. Twenty days ago I got to carry you home in my womb. Never have I been so in love with a child only eight cells formed. A very different experience for us. Fourteen days of earnest prayers, talking to you and telling you I love you. My dear little Petie, I know I'll see you again some day but it hurts so bad knowing you couldn't stay. It feels like a knife to the heart when I think of all the things we'll never do or get to see. My breath is ripped from my lungs as if I've been punched in the gut; how can I go on? Eight children. I have eight children! Yet I don't get to hold them, or teach them, or watch them learn and grow. I won't see first smiles or steps, I won't see first days of school, I won't see graduations or first dates or any of those beautiful moments. I selfishly want those. Would you look like me? Maybe have my blue eyes and your daddy's red hair? Would you be calm, quiet and wise like your father or emotional, loud and crazy like me? Despite knowing you're in Heaven I selfishly want you back. I know I can't, so I'm trying to move past the pain. It's hard my little one, in a way I'm thankful you'll never know pain or sorrow like this. I know you won't ever read this but I needed to say it. I love you.
Forty-four days of loving you.
Fourteen days of carrying you.
Six days grieving for you.
A lifetime waiting to meet you again.
Your loving momma,
Melynda Hoeksema
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