Waiting
Waiting can be boring, or frustrating or even stressful but there are some wait times that can be so much more difficult. Like waiting to find out if you have cancer...
or if the cancer is gone....
But today I particularly think of the waiting for motherhood. When we want children there are so many hard wait times. We wait to see if we get our period. More often than not we get it and the waiting starts all over for the next month. We may end up waiting to get in to see a specialist. Then you wait in the waiting room. Wait for test results, wait for that cycle to be at the right time and sometimes the waiting takes years. When we finally don't get that dreaded time of the month we end up waiting for that little line on a stick to show up (seriously a stressful 3-5 minutes). This can happen so many times! Those minutes of waiting can be some of the most emotional moments in your life; especially if you've been waiting for several years.
Then we wait to have the doctor confirm. Then we wait a few weeks more to see this little blinking spot on a screen (honestly one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. The emotions soar when you see it and every loving instinct you have kicks in to overdrive).
All these times of waiting are filled with hope, disappointment, fear, despair, anxiety, excitement and some that you can't define but are crazily overwhelmed with. Even if you're normally not emotional you can't help but go through the rollercoaster because you're body is going through a chemical one! Your mind goes through a million different thoughts and predicted outcomes and plans. If we're lucky we wait to see that little tiny being change and grow every week. And each time you can have this apprehension that it may not be ok this time. You can't help but feel love and relief when you see that little one moving and kicking on screen. But then you just can't wait to hold them! And that's if all goes smoothly. When things aren't going well you end up waiting in fear for them to check everything out. Wondering what the problem is and imagining the worst. Oddly enough (and I felt very guilty about this) when they tell you your precious little being hasn't made it you may find that all the emotions disappear for a while. You're strong and brave despite the tears around you; you're just waiting for it all to come crashing back down on you.
Eventually you may end up back in that monthly up and down again.
But why am I bringing this all up? Several reasons although mainly because it's what's on my mind and in my life...
This morning I waited to have a needle shoved in my arm to take some blood. Then I waited to see the doctor to find out the results. That time filled with a myriad of emotions only to be told that all the time and money spent haven't given the desired results. So now I start that waiting game all over again. Some times I could explain to you all the things that go through my heart and mind on a day like today. But this time I've been given a momentary repreive. All I am is numb. Tired.
Children are so many things. Right from conception they're unique individuals. They have their own personalities, their own very specific and unique DNA. They make us cry and get frustrated a LOT but they can also fill your heart and life with so much joy, wonder, amusement and love. I believe they're worth waiting for.
May God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
From the NorMel House to yours - May your waiting find rest in Him.
❤️❤️
ReplyDelete