The NorMel House

 A year ago my sister told the family that she was expecting. Almost 9 weeks! Which put her 9 weeks behind my pregnancy with Izzy. Most people would be so excited by this but my reality tends to differ from most. Instead of excitement I was struck with a heartbreaking thought. I was going to lose my child and watch hers grow up instead. I'd see her child taking its first steps, hear it say its first words and watch it grow healthy and strong. It was at that moment that the tiny flicker of hope, I'd just started having, died.  I cried. I cried for the child in my womb. I cried for her eight siblings that have gone to heaven before her. I cried for myself. For all the firsts I'll never see. For all the little hands I never got to hold. And I cried for all the firsts I had that I'd never wish on anyone. I dont know why I knew I was going to lose this child too, but I did. In bitterness I thought it would probably happen on the anniversary of Denver's death. It was clos...

I hate December. It sucks. It hurts. So much having to fake an attitude/mood. I put on a smile for the family functions, and I try act like nothing's wrong so that everyone else has a good time, but its all a lie. Every part of me is screaming this is wrong. Its wrong that death exists. Its wrong that we are broken. Its wrong that grief and sorrow and pain are such a huge part of this life. Its wrong that Christ had to die to save us. I know I should feel joy that He did, but I can't. I know how much it hurts to lose a child and if I, who am sinful, hurt this much, how much more so would it hurt God to send His Only Son to die for a people that ruined creation with sin. I'm really struggling with myself right now, but there's a part of me that keeps reminding me "its taken like 2 years to feel normal after the losses, I just need to hold on for another year". This month marks the anniversary of 2 of our babies, the only two we ever got to hold and bury. When I...

3 years ago I did something so strange I still can't really grasp it. My little Petey was taken from his little "Petrie dish" and I took my 8 cell large little one home in my uterus. The whole process was one we prayed about and discussed for quite some time. There were disagreements with the specialist (there's a whole lot I could say about that) that made it all very stressful but our one and only embryo, Petey, came home with me that day. And stranger yet, though Norm is Peteys father, he wasn't even in the country at the time. (Wrap your head around that for a moment 🤔. ) Petey didn't live long in my womb but he had a profound effect on my life. I remember Petey and this day every year 💔 The Mel of the NorMel House 

Reading the book Unshakable Hope by Max Lucado and in the back there are study questions, one which asked "Which of these (God's) promises could combat the problem you're pondering today?" It led me to look up Rev 21:4 ("He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”) as this is one of God's promises that I cling to the most. I then wanted to look up the reference texts as I thought it was a quote from a different part of the Bible. I ended up looking up Isaiah 65:19, 20 and came across something I dont remember ever reading before and I just bawled. "I will rejoice in Jerusalem and be glad in my people; no more shall be heard in it the sound of weeping and the cry of distress. No more shall there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not fill out his days, for the young man shall die a hundred y...

I love flowers. My body doesn't, but my brain and heart sure do. They remind me of so many things.  There is beauty in this world; God's creation is filled with beautiful things despite all the ugliness we've brought to the world.  God is the author of life. He gives life to all things and sustains it despite our neglect.  God is faithful; year after year I see the delicate beauty in the flowers that keep coming back. These tiny little flowers may seem delicate but God gives them all they need to get through the harsh seasons. So even though they make me sick lol I'm thankful for them.

My little Miya was due October 2nd, 2013. I don't have the words to explain how truly heart broken I was. It hits me like a freight train that I could have been celebrating her 8th birthday but instead I'm wondering if she greeted all her siblings as they joined her. Oh, to hold her just once 💔

  Oh how hard it can be to hold our tongues... or keep our fingers from typing. We so easily criticize others and push our own thoughts on them. Its so easy to see something on social media and reply without thinking. Oh how different it would be if we all thought things through carefully before we speak/type and graciously considered how our words might affect others. #guardmytongue #givemegrace #wwjd #ephesians429

Oh how we hurt from the pain of grief. Grief is so much more than just an emotion. Grief hits you. Sometimes so physically hard you think you can't do it. Its so overwhelming that you can't breath, or you fall to the floor and just can't do it anymore. Its horrible, but it's ok. Not ok in the sense that you minimize the problem but ok in that you need to understand its a normal part of grief. Even though it may feel like you can't go on, you will. You'll eventually get back up and continue to do what must be done. And if you have a day where you can't do anything, don't be too hard on yourself. Just tell yourself you'll try again tomorrow. The pain doesn't ever go away, but you will adapt to it. You will make room for it and be able to carry on. The one you lost isn't hurting anymore. So allow yourself time to feel, time to get through, because with God's grace you will. The Mel in the NorMel House. Still trying to be gracious to myself i...

Oh how heavy my heart My eyes are dry as there's no tears left to cry What are we doing? What lies are we spreading? Like cancer they grow Like a river slowly pushing its way down a mountain Carving small pathways in the rock Each lie, each falsehood creating tiny cracks in our faith They push their way down, slowly eating their way through what once was strong We let our selfishness dictate the path we choose and call it new understanding  We let our own desires change our beliefs because what we feel can't possibly be wrong We call it worshipping God though we ignore what He's asked of us The world is slipping in through the cracks We're so bombarded by sin that we don't see how far we're falling Satan is laughing and delighting in the lies that have found their way in. He whispers and tempts and tells us our selfish desires can't possibly be wrong Oh how like Adam and Eve we are Choosing to believe we now know better

  Sometimes it's hard to accept help. Sometimes it's even harder to recognize that we need help. "Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16 ESV

 "...yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes."  I recently had a conversation about moments (in truth I have this conversation alot) and this just solidifies my thinking. We only have moments. Some people get years worth of moments, others get only a few. We ought to appreciate the moments we have, in humility, because we do not know how many moments we will have. We're here for "a little time" it seems to me that James 4 is telling us how to live those moments, not in fighting or coveting, but in yearning for the Spirit and submitting ourselves humbly to God. How often don't we waste the moments we're given on selfish things or with sinful attitudes. I'm reminded once again that each moment is a precious gift from God and should be used wisely.

I wanted to write this beautiful tribute. I wanted to write something poetic, something that would make the reader feel. But I can't. Today should have been so different, should have been exciting and wonderful and yet that plan was not to be. So I made other plans. Plans to remember.  Yet this was also not to be. I have a stone with a precious inscription sitting in my car in my driveway waiting to be placed next to a slightly smaller and older stone. I have 2 beautiful and sweet little distractions here and a loving hubby working down the hallway, and yet my thoughts still linger on whats in my driveway. Somehow my heart weighs a ton but my eyes are dry. Maybe its the treasures i have staying over. I'm going to sneak in tons of hugs and cuddles today with my little sweethearts while I have the chance, I won't ever take one for granted because there are some I'll never get. I'm going to smile and laugh, tickle all the giggles out that I can and love eve...

So much has happened amidst the many complications covid has brought. So much pain and sorrow.  It seems like I'm always at the end of my rope, yet somehow more happens and it just seems like I'm stretching out a rope thats frayed, broken and isn't meant to stretch.