December sucks.

I hate December. It sucks. It hurts. So much having to fake an attitude/mood. I put on a smile for the family functions, and I try act like nothing's wrong so that everyone else has a good time, but its all a lie. Every part of me is screaming this is wrong. Its wrong that death exists. Its wrong that we are broken. Its wrong that grief and sorrow and pain are such a huge part of this life. Its wrong that Christ had to die to save us. I know I should feel joy that He did, but I can't. I know how much it hurts to lose a child and if I, who am sinful, hurt this much, how much more so would it hurt God to send His Only Son to die for a people that ruined creation with sin. I'm really struggling with myself right now, but there's a part of me that keeps reminding me "its taken like 2 years to feel normal after the losses, I just need to hold on for another year". This month marks the anniversary of 2 of our babies, the only two we ever got to hold and bury. When I go to my in-laws I always go to the graves right before leaving. Its usually dark and cold and I just let the tears run. Maybe next year I'll be back to the positive and encouraging person I used to be. I hope so. I pray for it, but I dont know if I can even fake it this year.






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