I don't know.

I dont like to think of or even admit to myself that I'm disabled. I hate asking for help. I hate knowing my house is always messy because I'm incapable of doing normal everyday things that most people do almost as easy as breathing. Because even breathing is hard; I have to remind myself to breath as I so often find myself holding my breath from the pain. I don't want to be this way. I don't like being this person. I'm so tired of being tired. Sick of being sick. I find myself slowly slipping into a darkness that's always so very hard to climb back out of. There's always something it seems, and I just don't know how to fix it. I want to make things, I love working hard on something and seeing it come together. At least I used to. I want to feel that again. I want to clean my house and feel proud of it. I still try, I do little bits at a time, all the time. Trying to find the balance between getting things done and setting off another flare up that takes away my ability to do even the most basic things.  I'm ashamed. I don't want people to know how bad it really is because then they'd know how weak and broken I really am. I try hide it, sometimes even from myself. But there's no escape. I'm stuck between a rock and a boulder, there is no easy road. There's no magic pill. There's no cure in this life. I'm ready for the next. I have been ready for a long time. I want to go home. I want to hold my babies awaiting me in heaven. I want to know what it's like to have no pain, no sorrow, no grief, no tears or aches. I want to run through a field of long grass with love and pride and aww at the beauty our God has created. I know He has a plan, a purpose, a reason for cutting some threads short while leaving others that have been worn thin. The back side of a tapestry can look like a crazy mess, but each thread has a specific purpose in forming the picture. I want to see that picture; it must truly be amazing considering the amazing things The Artist has created already. Where am I going with all this? I guess I'm just admitting defeat. I'm just too tired. There's a line from a song running through my mind, "Hold on to me, hold on to me..." The simplest prayer one can pray and it's on repeat. Hold on to me Lord, Hold on to me.