My not so happy season

I've been quite busy on the crochet front these past few months, as well as renos and so many other things going on however none of that is what's on my mind right now. 

I dont seem to be able to attain happy this time of year. Too many traumatic anniversaries, too much sadness and reminders of what will never be. Too many reminders from people that make it seem like I dont have a family because it's just my spouse and I alive. Our opinions don't count when it comes to deciding holiday events because we're expected to go along with those who's children are living. While part of me understand this, another part is screaming inside at how wrong it all is. It's all just a reminder of what we lost. A reminder of the things we'll never go through, the joys and fun parts of Christmas that just seem pointless because there's no little ones to share it with. 

Then there's the final acceptance of the fact that my husband and I don't really need anything so buying gifts just isn't the same. No little eyes lighting up or helping with decorations, or opening presents. This year we decided to try at least make someone else's Christmas nice. I know many can't afford to buy their kids gifts and while we're not rich we can at least try help others out a bit. While my head and heart know this is a good thing I still can't help feeling it's another reminder of what we'll never have. 

I'll put on a kind face and try but the truth is I'd rather hibernate for a few months. 2 of my babies that were the farthest along were born and buried this month. Christmas has never been the same. The trauma of the births, hospital experiences and then burying our babies when others were celebrating just hasn't healed yet. Oh to have the faith of Abraham or Daniel. I'm trying to trust and let go. I need to 


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