The NorMel House

It's been twenty days. Fourteen days of unknown. Six days of knowing. Six days knowing you're gone. Six days knowing I've lost one more. Six days knowing I will never hold you in this life. Six days of confusion, sadness, guilt, exhaustion and weeping. Forty-four days ago you were conceived. Life was given and formed in a lab. Not the natural way but you couldn't be loved more. Twenty days ago I got to carry you home in my womb. Never have I been so in love with a child only eight cells formed. A very different experience for us. Fourteen days of earnest prayers, talking to you and telling you I love you. My dear little Petie, I know I'll see you again some day but it hurts so bad knowing you couldn't stay. It feels like a knife to the heart when I think of all the things we'll never do or get to see. My breath is ripped from my lungs as if I've been punched in the gut; how can I go on? Eight children. I have eight children! Yet I don't get to hol...

A deep breath in So hard, so heavy Weight on my chest Rips through my lungs Burning, pressing Searing, tearing, life giving air Falling, dripping Pooling and wet Tears of sadness Constant, strong Carrying and holding Hands of my God Comforting, promising Gracious and good Love of The Father Melynda Hoeksema

June 15, 2004 A Psalm O Lord, my God and King Hasten to my aid I am weary with my crying May Satan's hand be stayed Rescue me from evil From temptations fierce and strong I am dragged down by my own sin For Your strength Oh Lord, I long Within me is a constant war I cannot fight alone O God of Glory, hear me! I pray don't leave me on my own For without Your mighty Hand O Lord, I'd surely die Save me from myself, O God Please hear my constant cry You alone can save me All my trust is in Your Name For You alone are powerful From age to age the same O God, You are ever merciful I know You hear my plea I trust that in Your Will and time You will answer me

Oct 30, 2018 My dear child I can honestly say that I've loved you from the moment you were conceived. I thought about you. I prayed for you and I couldn't wait to bring you home. The day I carried you home seemed strangely quiet to me. It seemed the whole world should have celebrated, like something huge happened. Because, for me, the whole world had changed. Suddenly, I was responsible for this tiny being! You needed me! I think I needed you almost as much; I wasn't sure I'd be able to live if something happened to you. So many times I prayed for you. I talked to you constantly, pleading for you to grow healthy and strong. I continue to pray for this still; be strong my dear little one! I don't know if you'll ever read this but you are so loved. So new to this world and yet the thoughts and prayers of many are with you already. So grow my child, whatever you need from me I will give. All my love

8 years Seems like yesterday but yet a lifetime ago. Through thick and thin, through sickness and trials, through so much you have loved me. Through hospital stays, surgeries, loss, and grief; through all nighters bottle feeding puppies, through puppy piles and kisses, through raising 3 dogs and losing another. Through cottage stays, long drives, staycations and my many projects. You have stuck with me and loved me through it all. 8 years ago we made a promise to each other and to God and not a day goes by that I still can't believe I'm lucky enough to be loved by you. I pray we'll have many more years together and that every day I'll show you in some way how much you mean to me. You're the Norm in my NorMel, I love you to the moon and back my dearest one. Though you're currently half a world away I hope you're having a wonderful day, happy anniversary dear.

Monday October 15, 2018 I weep Tears stream down my face The pain in my chest is so sharp  I can't breathe  Each breath is like a razor ripping through my lungs My legs are weak  They threaten to betray me I reach out for something Anything to slow the fall But there's nothing I crumple to the ground like a ragdoll thrown into a toy box My shoulders shaking in silent uncontrollable grief. I can't speak I don't even try It doesn't make sense Why choose this moment Like a shot in the night  I didn't see it coming But eventually the heaving slows The tears cease to flow And I try to wipe them all away Slowly I stretch my aching legs and force myself to stand Nothing has changed No magic spell or cure has brought them back.  The world continues oblivious to my grief It changes nothing I breathe in  And out And once again  I take a step    Melynda Hoeksema

I thought I'd share a little about my journey for those of you who have just come across my little blog... My wonderful hubby and I have been married for nearly 8 years now. We both come from families with 6 kids and are 4th oldest. I think we both assumed we'd end up with about as many children ourselves, despite getting married at 26( he was 25 - yup I snagged me a younger man😉) In 2013 we started intentionally trying for children and we're beyond the moon to find out we were expecting right away! I didn't feel things were right but my doctor said that was because I'd never been pregnant before and when I was 13 weeks I had a little bit of spotting. I was convinced she was wrong so I went to the hospital anyways. We had lost baby Miya weeks earlier (coincidentally at the time I told my doctor things didn't feel right). This began our long journey with loss and fertility clinics. We lost another child later that year, and two the following year, and ano...

The sun is shining, and despite the heat waves and warnings we've had lately it seems the Fall breeze is here. I love the Fall in Ontario. The leaves on the trees change into a myriad of oranges, yellows and reds. The air becomes crisp and fresh and the humidity that characterizes our summers is finally gone. I have to laugh because despite the heat we've had, our sister province to the west had snow...in September. I wouldn't want to skip the Fall we have; there's something so beautiful about it that it just makes me sigh. This week will mark my 34th birthday. Some days my achy body makes me feel so old I can't believe it's only 34. Other days I look at my life and can't understand how that much time has passed; life seems frozen in place. My sweet Cara-Mia being gone, and my cute Xena growing up seem to be the only markers to show life has continued. Though on occasion I'm shocked when I realize how much older my nephews and nieces are. It doesn't...

The Flower of Life It sprouts up like a flower, bold and beautiful It rises like the sun at dawn, growing brighter and warmer It comes bringing joy and love And it breathes the breath of life Then it withers, and gone is the beauty it came with It fades like the sun at dusk and leaves behind a cold, cruel darkness It leaves and with it goes the joy and love it came with And it breathes it’s last breath. You think it’s gone forever And for it your heart does yearn But if you listen carefully There is something you will learn All the joy and love you miss Is not gone forever For this earth is but a passing phase That we endure together So do not weep and worry long There is a God above And He hears our simple prayers He gives us all His love.     Melynda Hoeksema

I've always been very expressive about my emotions; I've been told I should publish my writings but I somehow don't think that in a digital world it would be worth it...I could be wrong, but either way I thought I'd share something I wrote years ago and see how it goes... Wars and battles have always struck me emotionally and I've written a number of poems about the subject... 7 September, 2002 Dreamer’s Cause Dreamers die in fatal lands Still grasping for hope With outstretched hands Dreamers die out on the fields For what good do they bring What do their dreams yield Someone’s dreams becomes a cause Spreading like fire on summer’s grass They get up to fight without a moments pause Ignore the foes’ guns and weapons and gas Dreaming of better they make things worse Their lives become a dreadful nightmare They fulfill the soldiers curse Dreamers die out on the fields In foreign lands, its our freedom they steal.         Melynda Hoeksema (Reinink at the time of writ...

Life is full of waiting... Wait for the microwave, wait for the kettle, wait for the traffic light to turn green, wait for mealtimes, wait at the restaurant, wait in line at the store, waiting, waiting, waiting. Waiting can be boring, or frustrating or even stressful but there are some wait times that can be so much more difficult. Like waiting to find out if you have cancer...  or if the cancer is gone....  But today I particularly think of the waiting for motherhood. When we want children there are so many hard wait times. We wait to see if we get our period. More often than not we get it and the waiting starts all over for the next month. We may end up waiting to get in to see a specialist. Then you wait in the waiting room. Wait for test results, wait for that cycle to be at the right time and sometimes the waiting takes years. When we finally don't get that dreaded time of the month we end up waiting for that little line on a stick to show up (seriously a stressful...

Had this beautiful boy been born on his due date he would have turned two yesterday. How different our lives would be. Today we celebrate fathers. Most of us are hugging and smiling and saying "Happy Father's Day!" to more than one person. I'm thankful for the many wonderful fathers in my life, but part of me mourns. We often remember the women who grieve on mother's day, but what about the fathers with empty arms? I look at my dearest love and I know he would be an amazing parent. Despite being a father of 7 he doesn't have the blessing of being a parent. Most guys probably wouldn't talk about this but I think they deserve to be remembered too. So while I say happy Father's day to the many amazing parents in my life I think of those who may not find this day so happy. Those who have lost a father or fathers who have lost their child (or children). May you find comfort in the best Father there is, our Heavenly Father.    #FathersDay   #emptyarms #reme...

How could you feel anything but peace reading this? It repeats in my mind as I drift off and I know my Redeemer lives. I know that angels surround me, ready to do God's bidding, and He will watch over me through the night. How comforting! The bedtime prayer my mother taught me so often seems the right way to end my conversations with my Heavenly Father; Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep Guard me through the starry night And wake me with the morning light. Thank You God for all Your love Thank You for Your Son above Thank You for Your precious gifts Thank You God for everything!

The NorMel House instagram so much beauty... So much beauty. So incredibly delicate yet tough. So much more than a simple flower. It reminds me of hope. It reminds me of God's consistency in creation. It reminds me of mercy new every morning. It reminds me of who is really in control of life and to stop and appreciate it. It reminds me that beauty can exist in the middle of this marred and broken world. It reminds me that the great Giver indeed does give us our daily needs. I'm not a plant person, I don't remember to water the plants inside my house and I do absolutely nothing for the ones outside. Still these reflections of work by the Great Artist come back ever year to remind me that even though we may have a bleak and cold season beauty and warmth will return. #Godissogreat #NoartistlikeTheArtist #Godrenews #Godgivesusallweneed #HopeinHim #Bestill #ChildofGod

Today was a good day. In fact, I think I'd call it a great day! I woke up this morning, rolled over and snuggled my sweetheart. It's not often that he sleeps in so it was kinda nice to wake up with him actually beside me. Saturdays are usually set for getting things done around the NorMel House, but today we just stayed and chatted and took our time. It was so nice, but eventually our 3 suckies let us know it was time to get up. I think this is the first time I've gotten out of bed on the "right" side in a while cuz I decided I wanted to feel pretty today. So I put on something that made me feel good and for the first time in a long time I actually put makeup on! After enjoying coffee with my wonderful hubby I decided to get some boutique work done and shot out an invite for people to come shop my stock today. It was a rather productive day; if I do say so myself. So I took my good feeling even farther. I decided I needed a change and got a haircut.  The glo...

The wind is currently whipping hard drops of rain around my house (I'm feeling rather thankful for the solid brick walls and firm foundation this home has!). The ground outside is covered in layers of snow and ice, and now rain too. Welcome to April in Ontario Canada. Nope, I'm not complaining, it could be worse! And while a lot of people are asking where spring is I feel I must point out that they've obviously forgotten where they live! (I say this with a smile on my face as this weather really isn't abnormal for Southern Ontario in April).  Nevertheless, I do understand the desire for spring. This brisk, wet and cold weather makes us appreciate the sunny days even more. The cold and flu season drags on and those of us blessed with the ability to stay home on a day like today are grateful for the warmth indoors. I'm curling up in bed with my coffee, my 3 sleeping and content four-legged babies (one of which is snoring loudly - ahem, Roxie!), and a stack...

My heart feels heavy when I see the pain of my #infertilitywarriors . When someone is struggling through a hard time I wish I had the right words of wisdom to help them through, but I don't. I only know that even in our darkest hours we are not alone. God is bigger than any hurt we feel; Jesus suffered more than anything we'll ever go through, and the Spirit groans on our behalf before the Father. When I feel like there's nothing left in me to give, like I've no idea or clue what my purpose is or why I continue to go through the trenches I hold on to one thing. Though this world is full of the devastating results of sin God has a plan, though we endure hardships God will turn all things to the good of those who love Him. (Read Romans 8, the Bible does promise this!) God doesn't promise us an easy life, but He gave us directions to a new one. He guides us and protects us in the journey towards that new life. "Yay though I walk through the valley of the shadow ...

I've held back from writing for some time now. To be honest I'm afraid to start. When I think of the matters closest to heart and mind I melt into a pile of tears and sniffles. I want to be strong. I want the world to believe that my strength of faith gets me through everything. The truth is hard to put out there. The truth is I'm not strong. The truth is I am broken. The truth is I have nothing left to give. It's not by my own strength that I've made it through so much. I'm not the one who kept it together when I lost my children. I'm not the one who pulls me out of bed when the pain is so bad it's overwhelming. I'm not the one. I feel like I'm not getting through this time but the truth is it was never me. God has been the one to guide me, He has lifted me out of darkness and carried me when I've been weak. He gives me what I need. I just need to let go. Let it all go. Leave it all in my Heavenly Father's Hands. He will bring peace agai...

Love. February is the month that everyone is all about love. Valentine's day cards and dates and gifts and romance and love. Its everywhere. Love. But in this world do we really know what that means? Love is not about flowers or chocolate or having a date on February 14th. Love is not fleeting or momentary. True love puts aside all envy and hate. True love is patient, it's kind, it's honest and trustworthy. True love is found in and through God and is a blessing from God. Do not despair in this life for the love of God is greater than anything, and is the reason we can say "I am redeemed!" From The NorMel House to yours, may God's love cover all and be your assurance of salvation

Sometimes people frustrate you. Respond with patience. Sometimes people are harsh. Respond with gentleness. Sometimes people can hurt you. Respond with love. Sometimes people let you down. Bear with them in humility, gentleness, patience, and love. Be like Jesus. #behumble #begentle #bepatient #love #Eph42 #ChildofGod

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4‭-‬7 ESV This doesn't mean you have to be happy all the time; it doesn't mean you have to like everything you're going through, but it does mean that in all things you rejoice in the Creator who made you. If we look at Romans 8 verse 28 we know that no matter what God will turn all things to the good of those who love Him. When you feel like you're at your wit's end just remember there is good that will come from this, and you don't always have to be strong, let God be your strength. Find your joy in God and no day will be too dark.